This article discusses suicide and suicidal ideation. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org.
When my mom passed away and I first shared the news, I said she died by suicide.
As I tried to explain the unexplainable, I used the phrase I had heard most of my life. I didn't think about it, I just said what came naturally.
I soon began learning everything I could about suicide to try to better understand why my mom, a retired nurse who adored her eight grandchildren, did this. And that's when I learned that I was saying it all wrong. I should have said she died by suicide. It's a minor word change, but one that can have a big impact.
Saying commit suicide can suggest a criminal intent and can further stigmatize suicide and mental health issues. It can imply that someone did something wrong and keep more people from talking about the potential for harming themselves. And in some places in our history, suicide was once considered a crime.
"We wouldn't say commit cancer or a heart attack. It implies something that's willful and morally reprehensible," Dr. Christine Moutier, the medical director for The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, told me.
How we write and talk about suicide both influences and reflects the way we think and understand suicide in our culture. It's why we are careful. And it's why we should choose our words intentionally. It's also OK if we make a mistake. We will.
I still wince sometimes when I hear someone use the phrase "commit suicide" or when I read it in a novel or hear in a movie. I try to share the minor word change with people. As we learn, we do better the next time and teach others. What's important is that we're talking about it.
When someone loses a loved one to suicide, others often avoid them, leaving them feeling isolated. Sometimes the fear of saying the wrong thing and possibly making things worse can keep lead people to avoid someone who lost a loved one to suicide. It's unintentional, but can isolate those grieving a loss.
"It drives that stigma and sense of shame even deeper," Moutier says.
She suggests to treat it "like you would any other type of death." Say the person's name, that you are sorry for their loss. And focus on memories.
When my mom passed away, so many people asked: Did she leave a note? As if the last words that she wrote when she was in distress would be able to explain it all. Suicide is complex health outcome, and typically isn't linked to one thing.
"The person did not chose to do it. The brain in those moments is not the healthy well brain of that person at 99.9% of the other times of their life. If you have that frame, the person succumbed to their distress," Moutier says. "It's not this willful thing that many people attach to it."
Attaching the word "unsuccessful" to a suicide almost sounds like it will be tried again and that death would be a positive outcome. Just say attempted suicide.
When someone begins isolating or withdrawing and you are concerned, it's OK to ask them how they are doing. "Suicidal thoughts are not a reason to stop the conversation and call 911. They are a signal of distress,"Moutier says. "Suicidal thoughts are just the brain trying to come up with solutions for distress ... they are not always a sign that the person is about to act on that. You don't have to be a mental health professional to listen to them. You don't have to solve their problem."
We can help prevent suicide. But we can't prevent all suicides.
"If someone opens up and shares, come back to check on them. That's a powerful signal to them that you appreciated them opening up," Moutier says. "It was OK that they shared."
Laura Trujillo is the managing editor for Life and Entertainment for USA TODAY. She is the author of "Stepping Back From the Ledge" about her mother's suicide.